Exclusive Sistren Pledge To ‘Kick Brethren’s Arses’ If They Don’t Shut Their Yap September 28, 2006
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Friends Fear Local Couple May Have Jumped The Shark September 25, 2006
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(Dunedin NZ – Press) Friends of St Kilda couple Gary and Shona Barker are concerned that the couple may have finally jumped the shark after five antic-filled years in the area.
“The Barkers used to be a blast,” said neighbour and friend, Ray Knight.
“They’d always have some new scheme on the go, and Gary’s crazy sense of humour and dress would keep me and the wife in stitches. I remember this one time Gary came home wearing a cosmonaut’s spacesuit and said he was from the future, all as part of an elaborate birthday prank and party for Shona and the whole neighbourhood.
“Nowadays, though, they just seem, I don’t know… just ‘blah’. I blame Cory.”
Cory Barker, the couple’s eighteen month-old son, was introduced in April 2005 and heralded as an exciting new character in the Barker household. Friends say that, rather than adding to the mix, Cory has been responsible for some of the most boring periods in the couple’s relationship.
“Cory has to go,” said Callum Gray, school-friend and long-time drinking buddy of Gary and Shona.
“People used to ask me all about my crazy friends, but since he came along the whole ‘vibe’ in the house has dried up. Gary and Shona have stopped having those hilarious bust-ups, and you’re more likely to find them watching Coro St than, say, digging for colonial gold in their backyard. If this goes on, I’m definitely turning off.”
Gray and Knight are not alone. Growing numbers of the Barkers’ friends are finding entertainment elsewhere, blaming Gary’s dull job working at Repco for the past two years, Shona’s prolonged and detailed pregnancy conversations, and Cory’s complete lack of mischievous shenanigans and wisecracks.
Some are comparing the family to season eight Friends or, worse, season five Mad About You.
May ‘Grandma’ Barker disagrees.
“These are the best times yet,” she said.
“I can’t wait to see what happens next. They’re all just so believable as characters – you just want them to do well.”
The Barkers say they take the criticisms on board, but think they can avoid jumping the shark.
“Next month we plan on getting a handsome male boarder with a wacky accent,” said Shona.
“And later this year Gary’s going to have a ‘very special episode’ – of gout. That’s sure to crank things up around here. Stay tuned.”
Blog Unsuccessfully Seeks To Affront People With Image Of Don Brash As Lesbian Mother September 21, 2006
Posted by newzland in Blogging, Humour, NZ Politics, Newz.1 comment so far
(Wellington NZ- Press) In a desperate attempt to increase its viewer numbers via cheap theatrics, local fake news blog Newz Land has published an image of National Party leader Don Brash’s head superimposed on Star Wars character Leia Organa’s body, with the tag-line ‘Luke – I’m your homosexual mother’.
Newz Land’s chief reporter has half-arsedly defended the image, which neither makes sense nor is particularly well-made.
“This is a primetime bonafide current affair, freshly stolen from major media headlines.
“Brash has ordered the removal of a picture of Helen Clark portrayed as Darth Vader from the National Party website, and Clark herself is on the record as saying ‘If we had a site with Don Brash’s head on a women’s body saying, quote – ‘I’m your homosexual mother’ – people would be affronted’. Well, affront is our middle name here in the fake news game. Take that, middle New Zealand! Take that, Internet!”
Newz Land has failed to achieve notoriety for publishing similar stories over the past six months. Readers polled denied being particualrly affronted by the image, generally saying they were confused, indifferent, or tired of Newz Land thinking it was funny to superimpose people’s heads onto other bodies at all, a move that smacks of laziness, if not a total lack of creativity.
“Shut up!” countered the chief reporter.
“This is gold! Star Wars! Obscure media references! Don Brash! The Onion would kill for this scoop!”
Newz Land plans to continue publishing similar crap until whenever it folds, probably when there are no more people left to amusingly superimpose.
New Zealand Fission Week Goes Off With A Bang September 21, 2006
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(Auckland NZ – Press) Top nuclear physicists from around the world have poured into the country to participate in New Zealand Fission Week, which was announced on One News, Monday.
“Fission Week is a showcase for the country’s many fission designers,” said newsreader Wendy Petrie on the 6pm bulletin.
“The organisers expect to unveil hundreds of exciting new fissions on the catwalk.”
Visiting physicists are also excited. Pat Hunter, of Stanford University, said she was overjoyed that a country as small as New Zealand could pay so much attention to such an important field of research.
“We were surprised at the short notice for Fission Week, but all of us are looking forward to someone picking us up from the airport and taking us to the lab, or accelerator facility, or wherever this is being held. I, for one, am keen to investigate this ‘catwalk’ technology. It sounds like it might provide some answer to the problems of fission products having proportionally too many neutrons compared to stable isotopes of similar mass.
So, yeah, can’t wait to get picked up…”
Protesters are also preparing for Fission Week.
“We haven’t had much time to prepare,” said Greenpeace spokesperson Alison Evan.
“But we’re committed to keeping New Zealand nuclear-free, and if that means standing around outside a conference venue in the wind, handing out leaflets? Well, let’s just say we’ve got a double-siding photocopier warming up.”
TVNZ were unwilling to comment, but did confirm Petrie will be off-air for the next two weeks undergoing remedial elocution training.
Diets Lacking Meat “Totally Awesome” – Cows, Sheep And Chickens September 20, 2006
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(Christchurch NZ – Press) New Zealanders are risking the health of millions of livestock by following “unnatural” meat-based diets, according to a bunch of cows, sheep and chickens.
The comments were made in response to statements earlier this week by Professor Robert “Tricky” Pickard, director-general of the British Nutrition Foundation, who claims vegetarian and vegan diets are unnatural, and eating meat is the only way to get into heaven.
Pickard was brought to New Zealand by the Council For Foods Of Animal Origin, another totally made-up industry group representing milk, eggs, offal, jerky, tripe, lard, fish, hoof and red meat producers.
“There are so many different kinds of meat to eat,” said Pickard.
“We must all eat meat, or else we will suffer meat-deficiency. You get that from not eating enough meat. Meat is essential for getting a balanced diet of meaty goodness. Without meat you will die. Eat some meat.”
Pickard’s comments have been countered by the bunch of cows, sheep and chickens, who have questioned his facts and objectivity.
“Sure we’ve got a vested interest in stopping you all eating our legs and breasts and entrails,” said spokes-cow, Daisy The Cow.
“Still, Pickard is speaking in direct opposition to a huge body of independent evidence showing that eating meat isn’t a good idea for maintaining human health, the environment and, most importantly, our aforementioned legs, breasts and entrails.
Vegan and vegetarian diets really are a viable alternative to eating my children.”
This morning, Pickard again cited numerous studies on the benefits of eating some meat, most of them funded by meat producers and made-up industry groups.
“There’s so much meat to eat,” he reiterated.
“If we don’t eat the meat it will be a waste of meat. Let’s eat the meat and feel good!”
The bunch of cows, sheep and chickens were unavailable for comment at time of press, due to all being slaughtered last night.
Pope Benedict Will Quote Whoever The Hell He Wants To September 18, 2006
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(Vatican City – Press) Pope Benedict has vowed to carry on quoting obscure religiously-intolerant and racist texts, but with the caveat that he doesn’t necessarily agree with them, himself.
“I am deeply sorry for the reactions in some countries to a few passages of my address at the University of Regensburg, which were considered offensive to the sensibility of Muslims,” he told pilgrims at his Castelgandolfo summer residence.
“These in fact were a quotation from a medieval text, which do not in any way express my personal thought,” the Pope said at his weekly Angelus prayer.
The Pope went on to quote other texts that did not express his personal thoughts, including denouncements of women from 14th century Vatican scrolls, and a poem he found on the Internet about how Hindus stink of ‘curry and sodomy’.
“Hey, I just wanted to put these out there,” reiterated His Holiness.
“They’re nothing to do with me, though. I’m just saying somepeople think Muslims and Jews and Hindus and women are damned for their evil and will burn for all eternity, but not me!
“I’ve put it all down in my new book: 101 Ways In Which Muslims And Jews And Hindus All Suck (Which Do Not In Any Way Express My Personal Thoughts).
“It’s a meditation on things which are not at all on my mind”.
Council Dig Hundreds Of Holes In Desperate Attempt To Find Kidnapped Mayor September 14, 2006
Posted by newzland in Humour, Newz, Wellington.1 comment so far
(Wellington NZ – Press) Wellington City Council workers have been toiling day and night for the past two weeks, digging holes in city footpaths and roads in a bid to recover missing Mayor, Kerry Prendergast. Prendergast was alledgedly kidnapped by mutant under-dwellers at the start of the month.
“The whole gas outage story was a mutant ploy,” said the Mayor’s distraught husband, local fat-cat Rex Nicholls.
“Kerry was taken from our home to the under-city, and we’re trying every way we can to recover her.”
The mutant under-city has long plagued Wellington residents. Rumoured to cover around 60 square kilometres, the burrows, caves and streams of the subterranean town are home to an unknown number of mutants, homeless dudes and disgraced ex-Hurricanes players.
Some believe mutant mining activity may have some link to recent slips around the city. Others say mutants come up into the city streets at night, tagging buildings, pissing in fountains and beating up National MP, Mark Blumsky.
City engineers have been working with local warlocks to uncover the magic entrances to the under-city, which could be anywhere.
“We’re willing to dig up the whole city, if necessary,” said Nicholls.
“If that means we have to demolish every building and contract my property development company to rebuild the whole thing, then so be it,”
Spokes-mutant Gorb said yesterday that the mutants were not responsible for Prendergast’s disappearance.
“You top-dwellers always blames us muties,” she said.
“When you going to understand that antipathy to muties just a reflection of your own paranoia and xenophobia? You needs to reflect hard on why you so want to get rid of tasty mayor. You needs some ‘you time’.”
Disruptions to city roads will continue. Possibly forever.
Prime Minister Renounces Criticisms Of Sect, Following Visit To ‘Mysterious Island Of The Brethren’ September 12, 2006
Posted by newzland in Humour, NZ Politics, Newz.2 comments
(Wellington NZ – Press) Prime Minister Helen Clark has abruptly ended her war of words with the Exclusive Brethren Church, calling on all New Zealanders to join the sect in “securing strength through chastity, family and the true word of Jim Taylor, our exalted founder”.
The comments come just days after Clark accused the Brethren of becoming “hysterical” in their denouncement of her government, and just hours after her visit to the church’s enclave on the Mysterious Island of The Brethren, somewhere in the South Pacific.
“I call on all true New Zealanders to join us,” said Clark, “in reviling the ways of the flesh and the devil, and in eschewing the evils of television, radio and coffee. And I invite all earthl- I mean New Zealanders to visit our island and share our joy.”
Clark’s comments have been derided by opposition MPs, who have taken the opportunity to label her a hypocrite.
“The Prime Minister is a fraud,” said National Party Co-Leader Gerry Brownlee in Question Time yesterday.
“She’s built the Brethren up to be some kind of monster and now she says they’re our friends? That’s flip-flopping!”
Unexpectedly, Ms Clark responded by leaping the table and ripping Brownlee’s beating heart right out of his chest.
“I don’t think that was an overeaction,” she said in a press conference today.
“Anyone who thinks that reallyneeds to come to the Mysterious Island of the Brethren and have a talk to Dr Morbis. After that… it will all… make sense…”
The National Party will elect a new Co-Leader to prop up Don Brash later this week.
Toll Plan To Drive Overlander Into Molten Heart Of The Living Sun September 8, 2006
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(Wellington NZ – Press) Local sources have revealed Toll NZ Ltd plans to plunge the discontinued Overlander passenger train directly into the boiling heart of the sun, effectively curtailing the Green Party and others’ plans to revive the service.
Apparently preparations are well underway for the dramatic demise of the service, which has traditionally carried passengers between Auckland and Wellington each day.
One source, an engineer on the service, says that tracks are already being laid to carry the train to the sun.
“There’s a core group working on putting down roughly 150 million kilometres of track over the next three weeks,” the source claims.
“They’ve got the obvious problems of overcoming the Earth’s gravitational pull, working effectively in the vacuum of space and calculating appropriate overtime rates for track maintenance, but so far everything’s going to schedule.”
The Overlander will begin its final voyage on October 1, and the trip is expected to take around four days.
“Four days might not seem long enough to get all the way to the sun,” says rail engineer Tommy Hilton.
“But I suppose if they’re not carrying baggage, or passengers, and they manage to accelerate to around one sixteenth the speed of light, they should make it on schedule.”
Interest groups have reacted negatively to the plan, calling it a short-sighted attempt to get rid of a fiscal problem.
“Toll seem to be signalling that it’s more cost-effective to build a single track across the vastness of the cosmos than it would be to maintain the existing line,” said Greens Co-Leader Jeanette Fitzsimons.
“That’s just stupid. Have they considered how much diesel they’ll burn through escaping the earth’s atmosphere, not to mention the bonus that will need to be paid to the family of the poor soul who steers? I don’t think so. This just won’t fly.”
In fact, this type of plan does have historical precedent, notably the scuttling of the pricy Titanic in the North Atlantic, and the National Party’s scheme to send Bob Clarkson into the outer galaxy to contact alien women, then sexually harrass them.
Council Targets Annoying Street Collectors September 8, 2006
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(Wellington NZ – Press) Wellington City Council will amend its Street Appeals and Charity Fundraiser policy, following a deluge of bucket-rattling and sticker-hocking in the inner city.
Complaints have been received following an alarming rise in the number of street appeals, with around two per day at a recent estimate.
Kerry Law, of pressure group Stop The Oppeals People(STOP) says her members are tired of the fundraisers.
“They’re everywhere, in their garish bibs, rattling their buckets and coughing to get my attention,” Law said.
“Last week some young man in a cow suit asked me ‘Do you want to stop animal cruelty?’ and I immediately replied ‘No’, just to get rid of him. But of course I want to stop animal cruelty – what kind of sick game are these people playing?”
The sheer number of collectors has many pedestrians choosing to drive everywhere, just to get some peace.
“Even then you’re not safe,” said Law.
“One of our members told me that last week he stopped on the motorway for an apparent accident, and was immediately swamped by smiling, jingling freaks. It was a fake accident! To raise money for cancer or something! When will the horror end?”
WCC spokesperson Brett Walkington says the amendment is long overdue. From next month collectors will be forced to adhere to new rules, including: no eye contact, waving and forlorn expressions; bibs only in greys or subtle pastel tones; no more than one collector per street; and no frivolous collecting for sports teams, rescue helicopters and the like.
Representatives of the major charities were unavailable for comment at press time – apparently they’re all planning to collect again tomorrow.
The final word on the matter goes to Kerry Law:
“Can’t I even walk to work without being reminded that there are blind, sick and dying people in the world. I get enough of that on the news!”
