Newz Land

(Fairlie NZ -Press) Southern farmers, some of them without power for over ten days, are embracing unwholesome, alternative lifestyles in an attempt to keep warm as icy conditions persist.

“This isn’t too bad,” said Twizel shearer Fungus (formerly Graham) Davies, of his new hobbies of fire-poi twirling and bucket-bong smoking.

“We were all freezing a few nights ago, and then someone found these poi things and a big bag of pot in an abandoned van. Usually we don’t go in for that sort of thing around here, but they keep us warm and the lights are pretty, so I’m happy.”

Local civic leaders and constabulary are concerned at their once blue-belted neighbours’ degeneration into loved-up pill-popping.

“I understand it’s cold and dark, but this is just too much,” said MacKenzie District Council Mayor, John O’Neill.

“Everyone’s stopped feeding out and they’ve taken up snow-sculpture and capoeira. Sure the pubs have all been shut for days due to the weather, but if I have to listen to one more Jack Johnson bonfire singalong, I may kill someone.”   

Locals remain unperturbed.

Ed Sanson, a sharemilker of Fairlie, has built a giant Wickerman out of scavenged wood, which he intends to burn tonight at a pagan bacchanal organised by a growing group of wild-eyed South Canterbury farm and orchard workers.

“We’ll be burning stuff, obviously,” said Sanson, “but there’ll also be some solstice rituals, a bit of Wiccan and hopefully, later on, a huge fuck-fest behind the coat-check. Toasty…”