Newz Land

(Auckland NZ – Press) Erstwhile doyenne of New Zealand style, Paula Ryan has lashed out at critics labelling her “so last season”.

In a video address via her website (www.paularyan.com) the fashionista has made a plea to her ’sisters’ to stand by, or, preferably, in front of her as she faces the toughest challenge to her status since 1998’s ‘pedal pusher-gate’.

Critics say the personal style guru is past it, that her personal style bites and she’s a bit of a sad, old woman.

For example, Ryan (74) has suggested Winter 2006 styles will include velvet tracksuits.

“Velvet tracksuits?” scoffs rival maven Sally-Ann Moffat. “Who is she – J-Lo circa 2002? That’s heinous.”

Ryan counters her critics, claiming the ‘Paula Ryan Essentials’ clothing range is “all about the building blocks of a wardrobe, without regard for the vagaries of seasonal fashion.”

“And yet she calls it her Winter 2006 collection?” said Moffat. “Paula should hang up her turtle-neck, darling, prefereably while she’s still wearing it. This is just sad.”

Other critics are concerned that Ryan is having a negative influence on New Zealand’s crucial ‘women 35-50′ demographic.

“Have you seen any of these women lately?” said Charlotte Dawson, media darling.

“They all look identical, every year. Identical classic black jacket, identical little black dress, identical shiny belt, identical pashmina… it’s just a uniform, like slumming at Our Lady of Menopause Collegiate.

The Simply You 2006 Tour will see Ryan conducting $800-a-head workshops with select groups of needy women. These workshops include one-on-one mentoring on fashion choices and individual style, focusing on tut-tutting, sniggering and Ryan blowing out her cheeks and walking about in a waddling parody of overweight attendees.

This may be her last hurrah, as Moffat and others circle, but Ryan is not going down without a fight. She is in negotiations to distribute her range through Postie Plus stores nationwide.

Moffat: “Postie Plus? Ha! I rest my case.”

(State Highway 1 – Press) Motorists will face another ten years of frustration on the coastal highway north of Wellington, leading some to wonder whether they should give up their place in the queue.

Transit New Zealand chief executive Rick van Barnewald warned that the proposed Transmission Gully route to the capital will probably not open until 2020, though others predict it could happen by 2016.

In the meantime, road works and improvements to the coastal route are causing even longer delays, with some motorists queuing in the southbound lane for as long as six years.

“I was on my way to work sometime in 2002,” said Margaret Royce, clutching at the wheel of her 1999 Pajero, eyes fixed on the car ahead.

“I guess I should give up, but every time I go to turn home there’s a movement ahead… if I don’t get to the next corner by July, I guess I’ll consider it again.”

While Royce and others wait, some in the queue are relishing the experience. John Groen of Paraparaumu has only got as far as Plimmerton in 18 months, but remains in high spirits.

“This is great,” Groen says. “I just call in every morning and tell work I’ll be late due to the traffic, then I just chill in the back seat. If there’s any movement Todd up ahead gives me a toot, so it’s sweet. Hopefully we’ll get a nice view soon, and I hear petrol prices are heinous nowadays – thanks, Transit.”

(Wellington NZ – Press) The reopening of a landmark Wellington park has elicited strong responses from Council and community sources in the past week.

Glover Park, formerly a dark and spooky corner of town inhabited by lowlife, drunken old homeless people, has had a radical facelift, and now attracts obnoxious urbanites and drunken gangs of unruly rich kids.

Mayor Kerry Prendergast says the revamped park is a fantastic addition to Wellington's inner-city parks, which will attract the public and make it a lively and useful space again.

"There is now a wonderful feeling of space and ease. The dark and gloomy aspect given by some of the old trees has gone completely and light fills the park. Wellingtonians are going to love this quiet and elegant oasis, and many of them will get pissed and vomit on it, in an expression of their enthusiasm."

The park has been dubbed a "big, heaving vomitorium" by Jill McIntosh of the Save Our Wellington campaign.

"The design caters perfectly to boozy nights – the floor of the park is a loose, sandy gravel mix that quite frankly looks like cat litter. If that's not a call to spew, I don't know what is. I dread to think what it'll smell like in a couple of months."

Wasted youths approached in the park last Saturday night said they appreciated the new design elements that reflect the character of Cuba Street. They also praised the new design features that improve safety, such as bollards and stylish new lighting, and were happy that the old silver birches and banksia trees will continue to attract birds, including tui.

They also said it was a good place to sit around drinking heaps of RTDs, singing 'Sweet Home Alabama' and ralphing – much better than Manners Mall, which had too much 'homie riff raff' these days.

Prendergast is unimpressed by claims the revamp has simply moved Wellington's homeless problem to more public areas – notably Cuba Street and Courtenay Place.

"There is now a wonderful feeling of space and ease. The dark and gloomy aspect given by some of the old trees has gone completely and light fills the park. Wellingtonians are going to love this quiet and elegant oasis," she burbled incessantly.

(Wellington NZ – Press) $500 million originally put aside for 1000 extra police staff will instead be given to criminals, say Government sources.

The payments, budgeted at just $300 million over the next four years, will go direct to around 30,000 criminals, at a rate of $10,000 per burglar, robber or killer.

Police Minister Annette King has welcomed youth input, particularly from Hillmorton High School's Year 11 Economics class.

"We've taken it on ourselves to really talk to the kids on this one," said King. "It's Youth Week, after all, so what better way to support the initiative of our young people than putting the safety of the community in their pudgy little hands."

The Ministerial briefing from Mr Moyle's 5Hr Economics class outlines the scheme in some detail, including really flash Excel graphs and professional spiral binding.

It says payments will be claimed via registration with a yet-to-be-named agency, or directly to "people who look a bit dodge". The $10,000 cash equivalent will be paid in cash, weed, home electronics or tattoo vouchers.

NZ First Police spokesperson Ron Mark has expressed concerns over whether criminals will break their anonymity to claim the payments. 5Hr's Cory Marston refutes such claims.

"That's dumb. We're talking about $10,000. Who wouldn't claim that? Ron Mark needs to listen up and stop putting us down. It's Youth Week, okay? It's for the kids."

Police Commissioner Ross Robertson was unavailable for comment, although a police insider said the scheme made less sense than most.

National Radio and TVNZ are already preparing news items on the proposal using The Who's 1965 song My Generation and Pink Floyd's 1979 #1 Another Brick In The Wall in the soundtrack.

No one under the age of thirty has any idea why.

(California US – Press) A new arts review magazine, Scorn, is providing a platform for the opinions of the brothers and sisters of artists, writers and musicians.

Each issue of the monthly title will feature full reviews of famous works of fiction, art and music, told with a uniquely personal family edge.

In issue one, Madonna's younger brother Martin Ciccone reviews her latest album, Confessions On A Dancefloor:

“I remember when we were kids and I was sad because Mama died, and Madonna said 'Shut the fuck up, Martin, you worm'. Well this album honestly makes me feel worse than that.. Madonna is officially a dried-up old skank.”

The magazine's founder and editor, Dan Brown's younger sister Valerie, says the time is right for Scorn.

“Look, you've got these so-called celebrities, doing their art or whatever, but noone ever remembers what they've put us through. They might call it 'research' but I for one never appreciated having Dan fart on me just so that he had some backstory for some godawful book like Angels and Demons. It's about time we got our own back. We never got the breaks they did, and I think it's a commonly-understood fact in the celebrity sibling community that not only did our parents love them more, but so did our grandparents, wider family and, it seems, the community at large. Bastards.”

Writers come in for a particularly stiff rebuke in Scorn. A little-known review of James Joyce's Finnegans Wake, by his younger brother Stanislaus, calls the oft-considered work of genius “a pile of indigestable crap”, while Annie Proulx' Brokeback Mountain, a heartwrenching tale of homophobia and longing in the American hinterland, prompted this response from her younger brother, Gary:

“Ooh, what are you, gay or something. You are so gay and gross, big fat Annie-Smelly-Fanny.”

Artists have come out against the magazine, which has generated phenomenal first issue sales.

“That little turdling better watch out,” said Dan Brown, who has threatened to give his sister “the worst Chinese burn ever.”

“If she doesn't quit, I'm totally telling Mother”.