Newz Land

(Auckland NZ – Press) The nation's ongoing oil crisis came to a head last night following a joint statement from major fuel suppliers.

The press release, signed by the New Zealand management of BP, Caltex, Mobil and Shell, promises that all four companies will start dropping pump prices "just as soon as you dicks stop driving so much."

The ultimatum comes as prices reach all time highs of up to $1.76 per litre, among the largest adjusted prices in the OECD.

"And we can go higher. Don't think we can't. Dicks," said the press release.

This shocking admission comes after months of fuel company claims they have been absorbing the worst of price increases in an increasingly volatile international market.

"That was true for a while, but now we're just waiting you out. And don't think we don't know how to wait. Do you know how long it takes to make oil? According to biogenic theory, it takes thousands of years. So just shut up."

Automobile Association Motoring Affairs Manager Mike Noon says drivers are sick of the fuel price rises, but they are unwilling to drive any less.

"They think we're going to start car-pooling or using trains or buses? Screw them! They just need to drop the price back to, like, a dollar, then we'll talk about driving less," said Noon.

"Hell, the sooner we use up all the gas, the sooner they'll unveil that secret hydrogen car they've kept the lid on since 1947."

Industry analysts say the impasse will only stop when one or other party "wakes up and smells the coffee… or the petrol.

(Christchurch NZ – Press) Your whole office has taken to blatantly bagging, back-stabbing and giving you the finger when you turn around, according to latest reports.

Sources confirm that everyone thinks you're a know-it-all dick and they wish that it was the good old days and they could fire you without good reason.

"You're so up yourself," says that girl over there by the printer.

"I hate the way you keep checking your breath all day. Get some mints, you freak!"

Ever since you started here you've wondered whether anyone really likes you, and recent polls show they don't, by an overwhelming majority.

75 percent of respondents said you make them feel physically ill, while an astounding 90 percent would ignore you if they saw you on the street.

Even those colleagues you consider friends remain unimpressed.

"You played indoor soccer those few times last year," remembers the guy at the next desk over, "but honestly, your offence was lacklustre and your 'D' was abyssmal. You suck."

Those times you've looked up and noticed that everybody seems to be gone, they're not in project meetings - they're peering out at you from behind the blinds in the corner meeting room, trying to work out how to get you done for misuse of the Internet or something.

"You've had it coming, you dick," says your boss, glaring malevolently.

"You just sit there working like a moron all day and you never put in for Friday drinks. If you had thought to actually train us in network management, the way you promised, then I could have slipped some porn into your My Documents folder and had you dismissed ages ago."

(Invercargill NZ – Press) New Zealand needs to cut its ties to international trade by returning to 'Think Big'- style energy, food and entertainment projects, says coal mining company boss, Dr Don Elder.

Heralding a return to the type of thinking that brought us “reds under the bed” and Close To Home, Elder, Solid Energy's Chief Executive, is proposing a Southland coal plant large enough to provide petrol for the country’s entire transport needs.

The plant will transform lignite, a low-grade coal found in large quantities in Southland, into methane, which could in turn be converted to petrol, jet fuel and electricity.  

“Muldoon didn’t think so very big," said Elder, referring to the policies of the late 1970s which brought us Maui Gas, the Motunui gasoline plant and New Zealand Steel. "He never used up all the coal. Just the gas. So we’re in an invidious position, and by 'we', I mean 'me'."

Elder's series of projects, collected under the new banner “Think Black” will see New Zealand not only severing its international petrochemical ties, but include changes in other areas, as well.

”Coal is rich in carbon and, taken internally, can treat a number of skin complaints, including psoriasis and dermatitis,” said Elder

“In association with Tip Top, Solid Energy’s new plant will be set to serve up delicious coal products to an eager nation. Coal burgers, coal bread, even refreshing Coca Coal-a (pictured) are all in the planning stages. Our children need never suffer from rashes and unsightly flaking again."

The Government is expected to approve funding for the scheme sometime in the next year. 

The lignite plant will cost upwards of $1 billion, with Solid Energy's expected profit from mining the Southland deposits likely to be even bigger.

 "We're thinking lots bigger," said Elder. 

(Wellington NZ -Press) A year after their introduction in New Zealand, no civil union relationship has broken up, leading some to claim that marriage is clearly for losers who hate their partner.

Since April 26 last year there have been 178 male-male civil unions, 199 female-female and 81 male-female civil unions, said the Registrar-General of Births, Deaths and Marriages Brian Clarke.

“That’s 920 happy weirdos.”

Only one civil union has been dissolved, and that couple have gone on to marry, maintaining the relationship’s 100% success rate.

In stark comparison, there were 21,000 marriages in 2004 and a startling 10,600 divorces, a pretty sucky 50% (see Graphic)

Civil union advocates have been gloating.

“If you really love someone, you should get a civil union,” said Jo Persimmon of the Maximum Institute.

“Otherwise, you may as well spend your wedding reception putting in some serious spadework on the next potential. You sad perv.”

(Wellington NZ – Press)The New Zealand Police will drop a number of requirements, including fitness and membership of genus homo sapiens, in a bid to attract more recruits from the nation’s poor gene pool.

“Only the best will do,” said Police Minister Annette King.

“Failing that, we’re conceding that the second best will also do, and the third best, and so on, down to, I don’t know, amoebas?”

It has been revealed that the police have turned away recruits of both sexes who have been unable to finish a 2.4km run in 10 minutes 15 seconds (men) or 11 minutes 15 seconds (women).

Entry criteria have also been weighted heavily in favour of humans, with most tests requiring a nimble opposable thumb and bipedal locomotion, a situation which has excluded some excellent candidates.

Police hope their new, broadened criteria will attract a different type of recruit.

“From now on, we’ll accept anyone who can do the run, with no time limit,” said Police spokesperson Ron Mull.

“In fact, if you can muster the brainpower to mash the 0800 number into a phone, or if you manage to lumber, slither or fly into one of our recruitment offices, you’re pretty much in.”

“We see great possibilities under this new plan,” said Mull.

“Imagine the application of a thorough police procedure training for, say, an elephant. Elephant cops – who hasn’t wanted to see that?”

 (Washington DC, USA - Press) In a shock announcement today US Secretary for Defence Donald Rumsfeld revealed that the US had been prepared for a war of wizardry and magic in Iraq.

"Our troops were fully prepared to face skeleton armies, three-headed dogs and one of those things with a lion's body and an eagle's head," Rumsfeld told the White House press corps.

"In fact, the sheer lack of other-wordly opposition has been disappointing, particularly for the President".

US President George Bush apparently ordered feasibility studies for countering mystical attacks after a White House screening of the 1924 silent film The Thief of Bagdad, which Bush asked to view as part of his growing interest in the Middle East.

White House sources say the President was "really scared" by the cunning of the evil Mongol Prince, and that he took notes during the scene where the Thief (played by Douglas Fairbanks) enters the city of Baghdad using a cloak of invisibility.

"The President couldn't sleep after watching that movie," says the source.

"He made us read him some more tales from the Arabian Nights, and he was shocked to hear the Middle East was populated by one-eyed giants, huge lizards and woman with snakes instead of hair". At the President's insistence, the Defence Ministry formulated a comprehensive anti-magic programme, nicknamed Operation Anti-Magic.

"US troops in the Middle East have been fully trained to battle magical resistance," said Rumsfeld. "All front-line infantry have been issued with garlic, a wand with glitter stuck to it, and a magic dagger with a +2 damage roll against the undead."

Rumours that former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein is in fact a 3000 year-old fakir with links to the "dark dimensions of brimstone' were unfounded, maintain Defence briefing documents, but 'under continuing investigation'.

They also note that the President was able to get to sleep again "once someone found his blankie".