John Key’s Christmas Card – Latest Shock Leak From National Party’s ‘Deep Throat’ November 24, 2006
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Giant, Freaky Icebergs Off South Island Coast Have No Plans To Visit Queenstown, Rotorua November 23, 2006
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New Zealand’s Birth Rate Highest Ever, According To Some Guy At Statistics New Zealand November 20, 2006
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(Wellington NZ – Press) Some guy at Statistics New Zealand apparently told someone that the country’s birth rate has rocketed to over 8.4 children per woman on average – the highest rate ever, according to this other guy your friend knows.
The person who talked to the guy from Stats apparently said that 8.4 kids sounded way too high, but the guy said no, that the stable number of deaths last year meant the natural population increase was up by 400 per cent on 2004 figures, or something.
The guy your friend knows also hesitated in accepting these figures, and contacted someone who knows Government Statistician Brian Pink’s PA, and the PA told them to tell him that Brian hadn’t said anything to them about such a high rate differential, and that the guy at Statistics may have been carrying over short-term visitor entries into his calculations, overestimating the natural increase by a factor of four over the more likely rate of 2.1 children per woman, still the highest rate since 1992, but significantly less alarming than the guy at Statistics New Zealand had suggested to the person the guy your friend knows knows.
The guy your friend knows later admitted he may have got the figure of 8.4 wrong, as there was a lot of noise in the clubrooms that morning.
Rumours that Statistics New Zealand are whisper-marketing their new statistics releases have been denied by department officials.
Driver Distractions To Be Burnt In Transport Ministry Plan November 20, 2006
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(Wellington NZ – Press) A swathe of land one kilometre wide either side of State Highway One will be torched in a Transport Ministry move to reduce the impact of scenery on road accidents.
Transport Safety Minister Harry Duynhoven yesterday oversaw the clear-felling and burning of a picturesque native woodland north of Paraparaumu, the first stretch in the government’s planned 3000 kilometre ‘dull zone’ extending the length of the country.
With latest figures suggesting that scenery may have caused as many as 124 crashes last year, officials have been quick to act, with suggested solutions ranging from a giant wall either side of SH1 through to the blacking-out of car windows to prevent the possibility of scenery affecting drivers.
The clear-felling and burning of the 60,000 hectares has proven a good compromise, with further plans for ruining other popular scenic routes and the destruction of distracting sites including the North Island’s central plateau, which will be obscured in the pall of a planned persistent tyre-fire five kilometres out of Waiouru.
In related news, attractive pedestrians are being asked to stay indoors during the day, with fears they may also cause distractions on our roads. Unattractive people can do whatever.
Met Service Releases Long-Term Forecast Through To March 2007 November 7, 2006
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‘Glass Floor’ View Makes Male Executives Queasy – Report November 7, 2006
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Adults Forget The True Meaning Of Guy Fawkes, As Parliament Considers Ban On Fireworks Sales November 7, 2006
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Queenstown Will Close Next Month, Says Mayor September 30, 2006
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(Queenstown NZ – Press) Queenstown is unviable, and will shut at the end of October, according to Mayor Clive Geddes.
The town will close with a final send-off on October 28-31, which some are expecting to be the largest festival ever seen in the popular tourist destination.
The announcement comes close on the heels of Toll Holdings’ reprieve for the Overlander train service, which was slated to be withdrawn on September 30 but will now continue, buoyed by intense media coverage and last-minute patronage over the past month.
“We’re sorry, but Queenstown is just not a viable concern anymore,” said Geddes.
“The Queenstown Lakes District Council thought long and hard before making this decision. We consulted our marketing department closely and it really looks like shutting the town is our best option.”
Geddes cites lower tourist numbers over the winter season as the primary reason for the town’s demise. On November 1, council staff will begin tearing up the town’s streets and bulldozing its charming restaurants, cafes and boutiques, as well as the comfortable hotels with their magnificent views over scenic Lake Wakatipu, and close proximity to some of the country’s best skifields.
“Yeah, October will definitely be the last month anyone will be able to ski or snowboard on our amazing slopes, or sip fine wines and beers in our picturesque breweries and wineries. We’re salting the snow and laying poison in the vineyards soon, so people better get here quick, before it’s all gone,” pleaded Geddes, tearfully.
Local businesses are shocked at the move, and have also pleaded with the public and media to experience Queenstown’s unique flavour before it’s too late.
“We’re all going to suffer if… I mean, when the town closes,” said hotel owner Max Westenra.
“Queenstown has down its dash. If only there were some way that record tourist numbers in October could help change the Council’s minds. No, I daren’t even hope for such a reprieve – there’s no way a bunch of news stories and the pity of a previously disinterested public could change the minds of these cold-hearted councillors. No way at all.”
In related news, the Skytower and Sky City Casino in Auckland are due to close in November, and your local may well close later tonight if you don’t spend up large right now.
Local Geek Can No Longer ‘Geek Out’ Like He Used To September 30, 2006
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(Wellington NZ – Press) On the outside, Glenn Davies looks like any other 32 year-old geek. In the corner of his lounge a dusty PlayStation console languishes under a pile of old PC World magazines; his bedroom walls are plastered with Penny Arcade and Miss Digital World posters; and his PC case sports any number of pointless neon lights.
But Davies is a geek in decline. Like an increasing number of nerds, Trekkers and MMO gamers, he has lost the ability to get excited about new technology, and now prefers non-technical activities, rather than ‘geeking out’.
“I was going to get a Dual Core upgrade for my CPU, but then I just thought ‘What’s the point’,” said Davies, who last week shaved off his goatee and intends to sell his Sin City collector figurines on Trade Me.
“I haven’t played any World Of Warcraft in weeks, I’ve just been using the computer for emails, mainly. Maybe I’ll buy a guitar.”
Friends became concerned last month, when Davies dropped his broadband connection in favour of dial-up, and started watching network TV instead of the latest pirated torrents.
“Glenn hasn’t even seen the end of this season of The Sopranos,” said friend, Brian Elton.
“He says he’ll wait until they play it on TV2 next year… with the ads and everything. The dude needs help.”
Richard Furlong, Davies’ doctor, is a Star Wars fan who first met Davies through the NZ Mega-Manga-Man Club. He is also concerned.
“But I think this is bigger than just Glenn,” said Furlong.
“We’re losing some of our best and brightest nerds. They come into my surgery with their healthy skin, their clear eyes and their gym memberships, like nothing’s wrong. It’s creepy – they’re turning to early nights, cooking, long walks, even MacLeod’s Daughters, for God’s sake. How long will it be before something serious happens? How many online gaming player accounts must expire? Who’s thinking about the lost members of Grakston guild? They’ve lost three level 16 druids in the last month!”
Davies was unavailable at time of print. His flatmate said he was probably “out mountain-biking, or something sick like that”.
OPEC – Oil Price Drops May Be Short-Lived Due To Rising Tensions In ‘Foreign-istan’ September 28, 2006
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